A little humor to brighten your day...

Cats are like that...A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.And it was a good animal.And God was pleased.And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve, and he wagged his tail.And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.And God was pleased.And Dog was content and wagged his tail.After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.And Cat would not obey them.And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved.And God was pleased.And Dog was happy.And Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other.

Parent Training Course...Okay, so you want to be a parent. I don't have any hangups on that. However, it must be warned to you that maybe you should take these 11 tests before thinking about having a "little bundle of joy" because I can tell you, it's pretty rough...Car Test: Forget the Roler, it's the station wagon for you. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Then get a pencil and stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size tub on deep fried chips and mash them into the back seat followed up by running a rake along both sets of doors. Now after driving the sabotaged vehicle 130 000 miles with a second engine, try and trade it in.Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy live giant squid and attempt to stuff it into a small net bag at all times making sure that all the arms stay inside.Stink Test: Smear honey, peanut butter and soy sauce all over the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick and hermit crab behind the couch and leave both there for the entire summer.Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug and fill it half way with water. Suspend it from the ceiling on a cord and start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the "mouth" of the jug whilst pretending it's a helicopter. Now dump part of the contents of the jug over your head and the rest on the floor.Ingenuity Test: Take a tube of toilet paper and turn it into an Easter candle using only sticky tape and a piece of foil. Take and egg carton and make it into a happy rhino using only a pair of scissors and a pot of paint. Take a milk carton, and empty cereal box and a ping-pong ball to make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.Land-Mine Test: Get your partner to spread a giant box of Lego all over the house then put on a blindfold then endeavor to walk to the kitchen. Don't scream as this will wake up a child at night.Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand then soak it thoroughly in water. At 3pm start waltzing and humming with the bag until 9pm. Lay down the bag and set the alarm for 10pm. Get up and pick up the bag and sing every song you know. Make up about a dozen more sing these until 4am then set the alarm for 5am. Get up and make breakfast doing this entire procedure for the next 5 years. Look happy during the time you are doing this.Physical Test (for men): Go to your nearest chemist and set your wallet on the counter. Ask teh shop assistant to help herself. Now proceed to the nearest supermarket. Go to the office and arrange your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store and purchase a race guide. Go home and read it quietly. It will be the last time ever.Physical Test (for women): Take a large bean bag and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for nine months. Now remove 10 beans from it. Try not to notice the large closet full of clothes you have since you won't be wearing any of them for a while.Shopping Test: Borrow a couple of small animals such as goats, ferrets or Tasmanian devils and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in your sight, paying for anything they eat or damage.Warn-Off Test: Find a couple who already have a small child and lecture them on how they can improve their method of bringing up the child including paitence, discipline, table manners and toilet training. Enjoy the experience for the last time in order to have an opportunity to get all the answers.If you complete the course, well done. Not pleasant, is it? Now you know what it really is like to have a baby. Adios.

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor askedthe Director what thecriterion was which defined whether or not a patientshould beinstitutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,then we offer a teaspoon,a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him orher to empty thebathtub.""Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normalperson would use the bucketbecause it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.""No." said the Director, "A normal person would pullthe plug. Do you want aroom with or without a view?"I'M LUCKY---I'VE GOT A GREAT VIEW!!!!!

Test Results
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four-hour, surgical procedure. A young nurse arrives to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir." The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely… "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"

Lemons
A woman went to a Florida lemon grove to apply for a job, but the foreman thought she seemed way too qualified for the position. "Do you even have any actual experience picking lemons?" he asked. "Well, I think I do." she replied. "I've been divorced three times

Grounds for Murder
Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely i can't look that old?" I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. Hmmm,...or could he??? After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Central High School."Yes. yes, I did. " he gleamed with pride."when did you graduate?" I asked.He answered, "in 1957. why do you ask?" "You were in my class!" i exclaimed.He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber."I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.."The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."